I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
