it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
