The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
