I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
