I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
