Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
