I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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