the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
