i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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