Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
