Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
