I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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