dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
