I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
