garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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