I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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