I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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