Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
