There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
