clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
