i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bring money and cleavage
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
