Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I have aggressive nipples.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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