I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
