8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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