Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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