I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize