so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize