; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
