Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
