Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
