Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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