Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
