You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
