Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
