So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He better not be in your backpack
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
