Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
