Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
