Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
