This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
