i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
