he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
