Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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