I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
not ubering you a puppy
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