my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize
