even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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