Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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