I got chris browned last night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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