My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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