You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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