Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
