I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize