I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
