sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
