one two three fourrrrnication!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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