Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
