my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
