why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
