In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm both gender and math confused
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
