I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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